No, I'm not touched in the head
Expand your woodworking vocabulary
By Joe Johns
I have a problem - see, when I get started on something and the further I get on it, especially if I'm having a good time with it, I really have a hard time putting it down. Ohh, I'm sure there's some dumb medical name for it but I don't care. Some of my friends do, though. They tell me I should probably find out what the dumb name is, have it explained to me and then most definitely have it worked on. Here's a list of wacky woodworking words that I made up...straight outta my gourd.
Wacky Woodworking Words:
Snarflickle (snar-flic-kle) – The look on your face while using your thumb and middle finger to flick a bug off your tablesaw.
Boardinanny (bord-n-anny) – Any person who treats a piece of wood like it's their newborn grandchild.
Tocutzapeal (to-cuts-appeal) – When the decision to buy a piece of rough lumber comes down to the act of taking your knife and first slicing a hunk off the face then another one off the edge so you can “see the grain”.
Glusmossis (glu-smo-sis) – The ability of glue to appear in places where it was never used.
Supastaneousexploschun (sup-a-stain-e-ous-explo-shun) – The crescendo of expletives the neighbors hear right after you apply the stain and discover glusmossis has occurred.
Vagapartzabond (vag-a-parts-a-bond) – A crucial part of a project that suddenly grew legs and disappeared over the horizon.
Vigilantatroupe (vig-il-ant-a-troop) – The posse of friends or family members you rounded up to go walking around your shop to look for the part that went on a vagapartzabond.
Slopinwipeawhile (slop-n-wipe-a-while) – The interval between opening the can of stain and when you start applying it on the piece because removing the tight-fitting lid caused a goodly amount to spew all over your workbench.
Guestaspecalation (gues-ta-spec-a-lay-shun) – The euphoric moment when you correctly added two improper fractions but don't have the slightest clue how you did it.
Upsioopssidosis (up-c-oops-c-doe-sis) – The effect of reading an upside-down measuring tape and you transpose the numbers, i.e., 58 instead of 85 but don't discover it until after the cut was made.
Increduignomoron (in-cred-u-igno-moron) – The impossibility for you to believe you were so stupid to pull an upsioopssidosis.
Spendeewhee (spen-di-wee) – When you walk into a Tool ‘n Drool and instantly get caught up in the moment; the mortgage payment, the kid needs shoes, the car's out of gas, it's all a distant memory as you spend it all.
Strangamoshun (strang-a-motion) – The movement your wife makes after discovering you committed a spendeewhee. She sneaks in from behind, one hand pinches off your nose while the other clamps heavily over your mouth. She now has command authority – she knows you only have so much time and you can't speak but you can hear.
Blozaholout (blows-a-hole-out) – The effect of a strangamoshun, usually through the ears, in the vain attempt to breathe you try to create new holes from which to draw in air.
Bouncaflortorium (bounce-a-flor-tor-ium) – The area surrounding your workbench where precious chisels, hand planes and layout tools hit the floor.
Ouchamefeetango (ouch-a-mi-fee-tango) – The foot dance you do to protect your feet when something sharp is knocked from the workbench onto the bouncaflortorium.
Caffespilaree (caf-y-spil-a-ree) – The effect that begins with you knocking over your coffee cup then while you frantically try to catch it to keep it from going everywhere you knock everything else from the workbench onto the bouncaflortorium.
Goofaridicidisplay (goof-a-ri-dici-dis-play) – The din of the caffespilaree has subsided but a new one begins as you storm around the shop ranting and raving like a lunatic.
Beltzastandofh (belt-za-stan-dofh) – Where your belt sander eats a brand new belt and you're too scared to put another one on for fear it'll happen again.
Fasinrsticupti (fas-in-er-stic-up-ti) – A screw or nail protruding from whatever you're belt sanding that was responsible for causing the beltzastandofh.
Sandaspinofh (san-da-spin-ofh) – The effect when you set down a random orbital sander before the pad has stopped spinning. This forces the handle to whip viciously around, dragging the cord with it in a wide spiral, which results in a grand caffespilaree and culminates into such a goofaridicidisplay that your wife is forced to record it into the annals of your family history.
Nailaccropolis (nail-a-crop-o-lis) – The pinnacle of awareness you reach when you realize the brand new blade on your table saw has just hit a nail.
Toolimagiwannabe (tool-imag-i-wan-na-be) – Your mindset after purchasing a really cheap tool. You pretend it will perform like a good one.
Smokeastormium (smoke-a-storm-e-um) – The exact moment after purchasing a Toolimagiwannabe - usually a smokeastormium involves a smoking motor, but parts could fly off or a faulty switch...the list is endless.
Flingatoolahoo (fling-a-tool-a-hoo) – The act where your toolimagiwannabe turned into a smokeastormium. In a fit of rage you grasp it tightly, spin around your shop floor like a madman and let it fly to parts unknown. Unfortunately it hits something good, which causes that to break.
Soupaknowlageatron (soup-a-nah-le-gee-a-tron) – Someone who can recite thousands of woodworking acronyms but can't figure how an inside caliper works.
Partzalookout (parts-a-look-out) – A job title. You acquire the title the instant you begin roaming around the shop looking for the thing that flew out of your hands while using a bench grinder. It can usually be found in the adjoining county.
Gastroinstainseupsis (gas-tro-n-stain-c-up-sis) – A sick feeling you get after realizing there isn’t enough of the stain you custom mixed and you don't have the slightest recollection what amounts were used.
Sparkindipity (spark-n-dip-e-t) – The dance performed when a power tool is plugged in and you see a spark.
Genuflectadustuation (gen-u-flect-a-dust-u-a-shun) – The act of groveling in front of your tablesaw to scoop sawdust from under it.
Shopasafari (shop-a-sa-fari) – What you are doing whenever you walk slowly around your shop looking for something. It is recommended to pack a lunch before going on a shopasafari.
Extendacordathon (ex-tend-a-cord-a-thon) – An epic that begins with something your wife wants you to repair outside on the lawn. You pack your lunch then embark on a shopasafari to find an extension cord long enough to reach the item. You have long since consumed the lunch and just before starvation sets in you find a cord that looks like a troop of Boy Scouts dropped by and tied into exotic knots. By the time you get it half-way unraveled the item to be repaired has rotted away and your wife died of old age. So, with nothing more to keep you there, you knock the pigeons off your shoulders and take the cord back into the shop.
Sweepapathology (sweep-a-path-ol-ogy) – An in-depth and on-going study on why woodworkers would rather just sweep a path through their shop than clean it properly. It is reported a vast majority of them are still on a shopasafari.
Ignorearamous (ig-nore-a-ray-mous) – What you become when your wife asks you to build her a shelf and instead you go to the shop and make whirly-gigs. Being an ignorearamous often brings on a strangamoshun.
Grandesawopolis (grawn-day-saw-op-o-lis) ((multi-level)) – Whenever you move up to a better saw. You throw out your Craftsman tablesaw because it suffered a smokeastormium and replaced it with a DeWalt contractors type (level 1 Grandesawopolis achieved). You replace the DeWalt with a Delta cabinet tablesaw (level 2 Grandesawopolis achieved) and so on until you either win the game or your wife shoots you and they find your lifeless body lying in the path you previously swept through your shop.
Whispaorder (whisp-a-order) – Where you balance or stand something on its edge then suddenly realize the next tool you need was left no where near your workbench. Rather than lay it back down, you point a finger at it and whisper, “Stay!” then you perform a quick foot shuffle to go fetch the tool.
Reversishurview (re-ver-si-shur-view) – What you do after issuing a whispaorder. You are now six feet away and you turn around to make sure the thing you whispaordered is still there and you extend your arm with your palm out in the belief you have transcendental powers to make it stay.
Omigawdanoise (o-mi-gawd-a-noise) – You are just about to lay your hands on the tool and behind you is a noise sounding like several things have fallen. You turn around and the thing you reversishurviewed didn’t listen to your whispaorder and fell down and knocked a can of stain across your workbench, spraying it everywhere. You enter into an enormous goofaridicidisplay, perform a flingatoolahoo or two and suddenly you realize you’re now suffering with gastroinstainseupsis.
Until next time,
Twisted Knot Woodshop, "There's never been a classier joint"